Monthly Archives: October 2012

Too Early to Remember

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A constant issue with me is memory; my fear of it, my lack of it, my confusion of it…

The earliest memory that I have is one of being barely able to walk, at a party at which there is baby-sized furniture that slots together, not dissimilar to mobilo.  I remember the lighting being dim, the presence of a few other babies, an adult supervising and various other enjoying themselves elsewhere, occasionally passing the room that we’re in, the colour of the toy furniture is red poles with green and yellow components and me getting rather anxious trying to put them together again when they came apart.

The thing is that now-a-days it feels like all I have is a memory of a that memory, not the original thing but a slightly faded copy.  I have the same problem when trying to remember either of my grandfathers which passed away, both before I was 15.  I remember memories of them, but it’s getting harder to hold onto the original idea, like my grandpa sitting on my brand new, pretty parasol that I’d gotten as a present on Christmas day, or my granddad smashing the glass of one of the back doors of his house after a family walk because the keys were locked inside.

I read somewhere, that the more you remember a memory, the more degraded it becomes, like watching an old VHS tape or looking at a faded photo, certain aspects of it may change, the sequence of events may change order, there may be a new element that wasn’t really there, that has confused with another similar memory, or, more likely, something may be missing.  The only memories that are safe from erosion are the ones we don’t remember, the ones we bury or don’t think about, that are generally accessed through hypnosis or a sudden recollection due to experiencing something that triggers it.

If this is truly the case then the memories, the sights, sounds, smells etc. may fade, but as long as I hold on to the memory of the memories, I think I can at least salvage what they mean to me.

That is my most basic hope.

Happy Birthday Baby-Brother

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To you on this, your special day,
I’d like to take this chance to say,
That since the time of your birth,
I’m oh so glad you’re here on earth.

For my little brother on his 19th birthday, I would probably have put more effort into it but I’m about 90% sure he’ll never read it, so it’s just there, out in the universe, and subconsciously the message will reach him.

For the Last Time

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Yes, I forgot again, but I have decided that rather than going on about how sorry I am and what the awesome reason was behind not posting, I will just continue with my life.

The reason?

These posts are boring, nobody gets anything from them and I certainly don’t like/can’t be bothered to keep them up.

But just to be clear, last night I had no real excuse other than exhaustion, a few very long days coupled with a mild headache apparently are the formula to let something slip my mind.  On the plus side though I did some training and worked an extra session so I now have +knowledge and +money, which can never be counted as a bad thing.  Also the training can count to maybe saving someones life someday.

It’s All in the Presentation

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Being that it is now two months until Christmas, I may have gone a little ott on starting to get ready. I can’t really give anything away, but the general punch line is that I spend a long, long time on the presentation of certain presents that will barely be seen let alone admired before they are torn apart to get at what’s inside. I carry on regardless, knowing that, if the recipient doesn’t appreciate it, at least I will for the twenty four days that it is say under my tree. My real countdown is to December the first, as it is the first day that I allow myself to listen to Christmas music, decorate my room and really start to worry about what to get for people that I haven’t found anything for in the past few months of wandering the shops and eBay. C’est la vie I suppose, just 60 days left now to worry about any of it.
And yet I still can’t wait.

Woe is Me

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CONNECT! The Internet connection in my house is something of a joke. I have no tv licence, as each separate room needs one and I don’t have a spare hundred and whatever pounds just lying around, as a result I watch all my programmes online. Apparently the amount of tv that I watch however, is too much, I’ll be the first to admit that I use up a lot of bandwidth just so I don’t miss out on doctor who, downton abbey or Russel Howard. The past month, the Internet has more or less ground to a halt, the only websites that work are the ones that contain little or no information, and you can forget about video streaming, even minute long videos on YouTube take at least twenty minutes to load and play. Frustrating doesn’t quite cover it, and it now turns out that other people are experiencing the same problem, but the fact that the main problem is video streaming means that I’m not the only person in the streaming boat. It gets me to wondering how much of our usage is going where, since discovering the problem and consequently figuring out what the main cause of the problem is, I’ve cut down, I’ve had to, it genuinely impossible to watch anything at the moment. But it doesn’t seem to have helped in the slightest, in fact it feels like it’s gotten worse.
Oh what will I do?
How will I spend my spare time?
How will I cope without knowing, “what happens next?” to my favourite characters and story lines?
Woe is me…